Friday the 13th: Humanity's Favorite Excuse for Being a Total Fuck-Up

Let’s talk about humanity’s least favorite date—Friday the 13th. It’s the day when even your toaster rebels, your coffee tastes like dishwater, and every idiot in a 10-mile radius blames their poor decisions on an arbitrary date. Got fired? “It’s Friday the 13th!” Ran over your neighbor’s mailbox? “Must be the curse!” Lost your crypto wallet because you invested while drunk? Definitely the universe and not your raging stupidity.

But what if it is cursed? What if this date is a centuries-old middle finger from the cosmos, a reminder that no matter how advanced we think we are, we’re still superstitious apes in overpriced shoes?

The Backstory: From Bible Drama to Mass Murder

To really appreciate how screwed we all are, we’ve got to dig into the origins of this so-called cursed day. Some historians point to The Bible, because apparently, no catastrophe is complete without a sprinkle of biblical doom. At the Last Supper, Judas—the ultimate traitor and history’s least chill dinner guest—was the 13th guy at the table. He didn’t just betray Jesus; he also managed to get the number 13 blacklisted for all eternity. A true overachiever.

And then there’s Norse mythology, which goes full send on the chaos. Loki, the original chaotic douchebag, showed up uninvited to a dinner party of gods, bringing murder as his plus-one. He tricked the blind god Hod into killing Balder, everyone’s favorite golden child. Imagine ruining a divine barbecue and inventing the concept of unlucky numbers in one fell swoop. Bravo, Loki. Bravo.

But let’s not forget the Templars. On October 13, 1307—a Friday—the King of France decided these warrior monks were too rich, too influential, and way too into their own hype. So he declared them heretics, arrested them en masse, and had them tortured and executed. Moral of the story? Never trust a king who’s broke and jealous of your fancy robes.

Friday the 13th: A Timeline of Disaster

Let’s fast-forward to modern history, where Friday the 13th continues its reign of terror. Here are a few highlights to remind you that no one is safe—not popes, not presidents, and definitely not you.

• Friday, November 13, 1829: Sam Patch, America’s first daredevil, jumped to his death at the Genesee River Falls. His last words? “There’s no mistake in Sam Patch.” Turns out, there was.

• Friday, October 13, 1972: Flight 571 crashed in the Andes. Survivors ate each other to stay alive. Imagine your coworker Todd—now imagine him as lunch. Exactly.

• Friday, March 13, 1992: An earthquake in Turkey killed thousands. Friday the 13th didn’t just ruin one person’s day—it leveled entire villages.

• Friday, November 13, 2015: Paris was rocked by a series of terrorist attacks, killing over 130 people. If you needed proof that evil loves symbolism, here it is.

The Phobia: Cowards and Their Paraskevidekatriaphobia

Yes, there’s an actual name for the fear of Friday the 13th: paraskevidekatriaphobia. It sounds like a word you’d scream during a seizure, but it’s very real. Millions of people refuse to fly, drive, or even leave their house on this day. They hole up with their herbal tea and their emotional support hamster, praying that the Grim Reaper doesn’t show up with a clipboard and a bad attitude.

Here’s the kicker: this fear costs the economy hundreds of millions of dollars annually. People cancel flights, avoid signing contracts, and basically spend the day as human slugs. Meanwhile, the rest of us are out here dodging ladders, mirrors, and black cats like it’s some kind of budget survival game.

Pop Culture and the Curse of Stupidity

And let’s not forget Hollywood, the industry that turned Friday the 13th into a billion-dollar punchline. Jason Voorhees—the poster boy of slasher films—has murdered more people than smallpox. Yet somehow, he’s a pop culture icon. Here’s a guy who couldn’t swim but haunts a summer camp, who’s been killed more times than logic allows but keeps coming back. He’s less a villain and more a walking loophole in the laws of nature.

And then there’s us—idiots who pay good money to watch these movies and then scream when the lights flicker in real life. You think Jason’s scary? Try being alone with your thoughts for five minutes.

The Dark Side of History: When Friday the 13th Decided to Really Go For It

If you thought cannibal plane crashes and mass executions were as dark as this day gets, buckle up. Friday the 13th doesn’t just mess with your head—it actively seeks out historical moments to remind everyone that existence is one giant joke at our expense.

• Friday, September 13, 1940: Nazi bombs hit Buckingham Palace during the Blitz. Even royalty couldn’t escape the cosmic joke that is Friday the 13th. Queen Elizabeth (the future Queen Mum) reportedly declared, “Now we can look the East End in the eye.” Sure, Liz. But maybe invest in a bunker next time?

• Friday, August 13, 1976: Daz Baxter of New York was so terrified of Friday the 13th that he stayed in bed all day to avoid disaster. The ceiling collapsed on him. Imagine dying while actively avoiding death. Peak Friday the 13th energy.

• Friday, October 13, 1989: The stock market had one of its biggest meltdowns, losing billions in what’s now known as the “Friday the 13th mini-crash.” Turns out, even Wall Street isn’t immune to the curse. Or maybe it’s just karma for all those insider trading scandals.

• Friday, January 13, 2012: The Costa Concordia cruise ship capsized off the coast of Italy, killing 32 people. The captain abandoned ship faster than a drunk frat boy at a DUI checkpoint. Nothing says “cursed day” like a leader yelling, “Every man for himself!”

Dumb Luck and Even Dumber People

While some disasters on Friday the 13th are undeniably tragic, others are just plain stupid. This is humanity’s day to shine, in all our idiotic glory.

Take the time in 1976 when a 13-year-old kid was struck by lightning at exactly 13:13 (1:13 PM) on Friday the 13th in Suffolk, England. If that’s not a divine middle finger, I don’t know what is. Somewhere, a Greek god of petty revenge probably screamed, “Nailed it!”

And then there’s the dumb criminals who take Friday the 13th as a personal challenge. Like the guy in New Mexico who tried to rob a gas station wearing a trash bag as a mask, only to trip over his own feet during the getaway. Or the burglar in Florida (of course it’s Florida) who broke into a house on Friday the 13th, got stuck in the chimney, and had to call 911. Even Jason Voorhees would shake his head at that level of incompetence.

Superstitions Galore: Humanity’s Obsession with Being Scared Stupid

The list of things people avoid on Friday the 13th is endless, and the logic is as nonexistent as a good Nicolas Cage movie. Here are some of the best:

• Weddings: Because nothing says “successful marriage” like being terrified your spouse will leave you over a date on the calendar.

• Travel: Planes, trains, and automobiles? Nope. People act like boarding a flight on this day is signing up for a live reenactment of Final Destination.

• Important Decisions: Bought a house on Friday the 13th? Congratulations, you’re cursed forever. Signed a contract? That’s basically a deal with the devil. Proposed to your girlfriend? Don’t worry, she’s probably cheating on you with your brother. That’s the rule.

And don’t even get me started on the ladder, black cat, and broken mirror trifecta. The way people avoid these things on Friday the 13th, you’d think they were part of a satanic bingo game.

The Day the World Decides to Lean Into Chaos

But Friday the 13th isn’t just about disasters—it’s also about how hilariously unhinged the world becomes. Tattoo parlors offer $13 flash tattoos, guaranteeing you’ll have a permanent reminder of your bad decisions. Haunted houses run Friday the 13th specials, as if walking into a room full of plastic skeletons and fog machines is somehow a thrill after surviving the DMV on a Monday.

And let’s not forget the memes. Social media goes into overdrive with people posting pictures of their spilled coffee and claiming it’s “the curse.” Karen, you spilled your latte because you were texting your MLM group, not because of a cosmic force.

Is It Real, or Are We Just Dumb?

The funny thing is, the world doesn’t fall apart more on Friday the 13th than any other day. It just feels like it does because we’re all walking around waiting for disaster. It’s confirmation bias wrapped in a tortilla of idiocy. Planes don’t crash more. People don’t die more. The only real spike is in the number of excuses we make for our own failures.

But maybe that’s the beauty of it. Friday the 13th is a reminder that life is absurd, random, and utterly indifferent to your feelings. The universe doesn’t care if you’re afraid of a date. It’s got bigger plans—like giving the guy in the cubicle next to you food poisoning right before your big presentation.

Religion, the Devil, and Good Ol’ Patriarchy

If there’s one thing Friday the 13th loves, it’s pissing off religious folks. Historically, Fridays were already considered unlucky in Christian lore, because Jesus supposedly died on a Friday. Add the number 13—long associated with witches, pagan goddesses, and everything the medieval church hated—and you’ve got the Satanic Panic of calendar dates.

Let’s dig deeper into the Church’s hate-on for this day. Some scholars argue that 13 is cursed because it represents the feminine, thanks to lunar cycles syncing up with menstrual cycles (13 periods in a year). Naturally, the patriarchy took one look at that and said, “Burn it with fire.” Because if there’s one thing medieval men feared more than war and plague, it was women having any kind of autonomy.

Then there’s the whole witch thing. Friday the 13th was thought to be the day witches gathered to dance naked under the moon, summon demons, and generally have a better time than anyone in medieval Europe. Of course, the only real curse was being accused of witchcraft by your neighbor because your garden grew better tomatoes.

Murder, Mayhem, and the Real-Life Villains of Friday the 13th

Some people think Friday the 13th is just superstition. Tell that to the victims of Jack the Ripper, whose reign of terror began on a Friday the 13th. Or to those who remember Friday, August 13, 1965, when a lightning strike ignited a fire that burned down Disneyland’s “It’s a Small World” ride. (Okay, I made that one up, but wouldn’t it be amazing if it were true?)

And don’t forget The Great Flood of Kansas City in 1951, when heavy rains on Friday the 13th caused catastrophic flooding. Thousands of homes and businesses were destroyed. Nature clearly woke up that day and said, “F*** your wheat harvest.”

Superstition Meets Capitalism

Leave it to capitalism to turn superstition into a marketing ploy. Take tattoo parlors, for instance. Every Friday the 13th, they offer $13 specials so you can brand yourself with poorly drawn skulls, spiders, or “live, laugh, love” tramp stamps. Nothing says “I make great decisions” like permanently marking your body to commemorate a day you were too scared to leave the house.

And let’s not overlook horror movies. Friday the 13th’s biggest success story is the Jason Voorhees franchise, where a dude with mommy issues and a hockey mask kills campers in increasingly creative ways. Somehow, we’ve collectively watched Jason stab, slash, and chainsaw his way through 12 movies, and not one person has asked why a serial killer who can’t swim keeps coming back to a lake.

Global Freak-Outs: How Other Cultures Handle Friday the 13th

Americans don’t have a monopoly on stupid superstitions. Around the world, people have their own versions of Friday the 13th-level paranoia:

• In Italy, the unlucky day is Friday the 17th, because apparently Italians are such optimists they think 13 is too lucky.

• In Spain and Greece, it’s Tuesday the 13th. Why Tuesday? Because Mars, the god of war, rules Tuesday, and nothing says “unlucky” like a celestial middle finger from the god of violence.

• And in Japan, it’s not the date but the number 4 that freaks people out. The word for “four” sounds like the word for “death,” so they avoid it like we avoid dentists.

The Universe’s Joke, and We’re the Punchline

What makes Friday the 13th so absurdly brilliant is how little it actually matters. Bad things happen every day, but somehow, this date gets all the blame. It’s like humanity decided to outsource its collective anxiety to one day, so the other 364 could feel a little less cursed. Spoiler alert: they’re not.

At the end of the day, Friday the 13th is less about bad luck and more about how stupidly predictable humans are. We need something to fear, something to blame when life inevitably goes off the rails. And what better scapegoat than an arbitrary date on the calendar? It’s harmless, it’s timeless, and it’s a hell of a lot easier to yell “CURSE!” than to admit you spilled your coffee because you were looking at TikTok.

In Conclusion: Embrace the Madness

So here’s my advice: stop fearing Friday the 13th. Lean into it. Wear black. Walk under ladders. Adopt a black cat and name it Lucifer. Hell, get one of those $13 tattoos of a middle finger flipping off the calendar.

Because at the end of the day, the only real curse is being too afraid to laugh at life’s absurdity. And if Friday the 13th has taught us anything, it’s that the universe loves a good laugh. Just make sure you’re laughing with it—and not choking on your own irony.